My Little Promise.

I woke up today with a promise to myself. A promise that no matter what happened, I wouldn't let the events of my day ruin my mood. A promise that I'd try and look at the cheery side of things. And if the cheery side was nonexistent, I promised that I'd make one up.

Hello there, I'm the Earthian.

A promise that was indeed remarkably hard to keep. As I tried analyzing my own day, I realized that the happy moments, irrespective of the degree of happiness, were short-lived. I cherish them and then move on. But when the sad moments arive, they seem to never leave. A part of me holds on to them like there isn't another emotion on the face of the planet. Moving on from them is like moving a range of mountains, only harder.

Every single time I get the opportunity to be sad, I take it. Without denial and surely without any questions against it whatsoever. I just grab these opportunities and use them to be sad like it's the only worthwhile feeling. When a happy moment arrives at my doorstep though, I start panicking. The first question my mind throws at me is "do you deserve this?'. It asks me if I've done enough to be happy. It questions all of my moral code and then makes me feel bad about feeling good. I know this sounds hilariously crazily sadly weird. But it is what it is and I'm tired of this. Maybe I don't deserve to be haply, but I also sure as hell know that I don't deserve to be sad all the time. There is no need for me to be sad. I've got this wonderful opportunity to live life and I think it's way too precious to keep wasting it feeling nonsensically sad. Sure, it doesn't mean sad moments are going to be nonexistent but I'd be proudly happy if they ended up being moments instead of a life time. 

I know all of this is a consequence of my self-esteem's thrash to the bottom. And the only way I'll ever regain some of it is by choosing to not be sad of who I am and just take who I am as I am, no questions. And hence the promise.

With a heart full of love, peace.