Frustrations.

Frustration usually is the only thing that gets the best of me. Or the worst of me, I'm not sure. And there is absolutely nothing that feels good about being frustrated. I know, because I happen to be the guy who is frustrated almost all the time. I also happen to be the guy who hides his frustration pretty damn well. Oops. I guess not so well, after all.

Hello there, I am the Earthian.

There are numerous things that frustrate me, but all of them start with me. Every single issue that I have originates from me. It's me who is solely responsible for the person I am, it is me who is solely responsible for the issues I have, it is me who is solely responsible for whatever I am going through and it is me who is going to have to face them all by myself. And a part of me struggles to digest this. It doesn't feel fair. Why am I treated the way I am treated by everyone, I keep asking myself the same question. Why is it always me who is the oddest one out, I wonder a lot. Why do I always feel like I'm worth nothing? Why do I always let myself get manipulated the way I get manipulated? why am I so good at being the dud friend to everyone? Are my standards too low? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Why am I so very sensitive? Why in the world am I repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again? Why am I the person who always thinks too much about every single little thing that happens to me? why do I always trust the wrong people, hoping they are the right ones? why do I let myself into situations that I know will hurt me? why do I not care enough about myself? why do I lack so much self-esteem? Just in the freaking world, why do I keep doing this to myself? 

Sometimes, all I want to do is shut myself down. Emotionally. No smiles, no laughter, no tears, no pain, no crying, no ranting, no venting and basically no display of anything that might end up hurting me. But then the human inside of me doesn't let it happen. It's a pity I can't turn these off, because if I could, I would, in a heartbeat.

I'll pull my act together, I promise. 

With love, peace.